The Lonely Tree

_^By Sophia Graceline _{^{Child Psychologist}}

Imagine a lifeless tree sticking out in the middle of a marshy land filled with beautiful trees. It is withered as if it had no water yet born and raised in water, without strength even though all the nutrients were always available. This does not mean that the water and other trees neglected the lonely tree. 

Loneliness is such a travesty that the people held by it consider themselves as utterly neglected while the people lulled by it imagine themselves to be unique. Some of the most eccentric and fabulous people that ever lived on earth had lonely phases in their lives owing to the feelings of obligation their talents and responsibilities brought. So it is often mimicked by egotistic aspirants of heroism to satisfy their thirst for fame. 

But with the meteoric rise of communication devices in the curious hands of innocent minds, juvenile hearts learn playacting, faster than good behaviour. Children imitate what their parents do, what their friends say they do and what they like from the media. This media scaffolding leaves them susceptible to emotion regulations by pedophiles and very selfish people.

scaffolding : a system or framework of support (especially used in education) provided by an instructor to help a student reach the next level of learning

So, as parents search for answers to understand why their children are growing apart from their love, children search for ways to evolve away from their normal upbringing. These children are not lonely inside their minds even though some might seem estranged in everyday social life. Smaller children (mostly below 12) create their own ‘imaginary friends’ to cope with their loneliness. As they grow-up, imaginations grows into ‘hallucinations’, ‘delusions’ and the most prominent ‘day-dreaming’ which encourages every child to become someone popular for the sake of acceptance and love. And as you feed a child’s dreams of fantasy, be mindful about the fact that their minds will not be satisfied to stop at the point where you expect them to. This leads many children to have split personalities, mostly trying to imitate their favourite movie characters or celebrities. 

Symptoms of loneliness include feelings, appearances and acts that contain agitation, aggressiveness, anger, disobedience, depression, life threatening tendencies, negative self-image, worthlessness, self-isolation, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, difficulty in adjusting to new surroundings, giving up, lying profusely, etc.

Among children and teenagers Suicide and Eloping are two of the major offsprings of loneliness. The thought that no one is listening to their problems, no one is going to believe them and give them a chance, that they are going to be judged, shamed and punished if they tell their secrets are some of the lonesome voices that keep running inside the head of suicide and elopement prone victims who often consider these extreme steps as a means of escape from what they fear their future will be.

That is why we must always be kind, especially while speaking. Our choice of words matter a lot in helping a child overcome loneliness. Know that children don’t like negative comparisons with other children. 

For practical applications I distinguish negative words into 2 categories based on what children with depression and suicidal tendencies say they hear often:

1. Words like –
   “you’re worthless”,
   “you are ugly”,
   “you are a monkey/pig”,
   “you cannot be trusted”,
   “you are not my child”,
   “why are you alive?”,
   “go and die”,
   “i will leave you in the street”,
   “i will put you in hostel”,
   “i will tell your father and he will beat you up nicely”, etc.
   
   MUST NOT BE SPOKEN TO A CHILD, EVER.
   
2. Words like –
   “you can’t do this”,
   “you don’t know anything”,
   “you shut up”,
   “you are cheating me”,
   “don’t speak”,
   “don’t roam like a beggar”,
   “your friends are gutter”,
   “it shows that you are lying”,
   “i am watching you all the time”,
   “are you hiding something?”, etc
   
   MUST BE REPHRASED IN AN UNDERSTANDABLE WAY THAT DOESN’T HURT THE CHILD.

Since lonely children long for acceptance and appreciation, when people with bad intentions use small words or actions to make them feel loved, they easily fall into their trap thinking that it’s true love. Some children deliberately make themselves vulnerable in order to be accepted. This becomes a tool for modern day child trafficking and prostitution.

Lonely people always imagine themselves to be unique and misunderstand the underlying conditions related to their depression. This makes it difficult for them to listen to advice and for us to take their word or justifications while trying to help them.

Negative actions like harshly beating a child contributes greatly towards creating a drift within a relationship.

Do you know that children who are feeling lonely inside are more attracted towards Social media and online entertainment through their Fear Of Missing Out [FOMO], as they want to be part of a group or achieve something at least in the virtual world. Children who are part of drug addiction groups in the physical world have fear of missing out on drugs and friends and hence rebel against their own families to prevent loneliness. Children lost deep in mobile phone games or secret love relationships will not realise the loneliness created by their acts as they are emotionally connected to them.

A tree standing alone can be easily damaged by bad weather. Likewise children have no safety when they are not surrounded by caring loved ones.

Bad human beings target that which is alone. In times where you cannot leave your bike outside your house and sleep peacefully, where people steal flowers and plants from private gardens, to bringing office supplies home and the list just goes on, we must ask – how close are we to our children than electronic devices and social media?!

What will happen if you leave your child alone in this world?! Take the time to think about all those out there waiting to steal your child’s heart by creating loneliness.

It is easy to spot a lonely tree, but very difficult to deduce a lonely child let alone understanding them. So uproot the lonely path while they are still teething on the outer layer of miscommunication and do them a favour by not exposing them to the full force of an alternate life online. And physically spend quality time with your loved ones, very much more when you feel their distance increasing from your heart.

Children have every right to be part of this physical world. So don’t let them drift into loneliness created by our wishes to make them achieve.

• Tags:
• Child Rights
• Counselling
• Depression